Should I Go or Stay in the Relationship

Stay or Go: What should you do in a relationship where you are so tired and romantically worn out?

Should you stay or go in a relationship when a bad partner decides to be good only after you finally decide you have had enough and want to leave?

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This is the dilemma that Jenn had. Her husband has been very horrible to her over 19 years. After finally deciding she has had enough she wants out – out of the marriage, out of the relationship. But he is not making it easy. He said he will not let her go without a fight. He wants to change to salvage their marriage and relationship. But if she still decides to leave, he threatened to paint a bad picture of her to her family, friends and employer. He will not let her just walk out with their son. She is in a dilemma: Her question is “Should I go or should I leave this relationship?”

What do you think? Should she stay or should she go?

Here is a synopsis of her situation:

Married 19yrs. husband verbally abusive. Got better a few years ago after threatening to leave him but not 100%. Have been begging him to be better and stop for years. Now I don’t love him. I don’t like him nor do I have any desire to check back into the marriage emotionally and NOW he says maybe he was wrong and is changing. I feel so guilty and feel bad for him because we are all he has. He’ll not let me go easily. His world revolves around us. Click here for detailed explanation of her situation.

First let me say that if you are in this situation don’t feel guilty it is not totally your fault. Here are some reasons why people can find themselves in this situation:

Why people end up in a controlling and abuse relationship?

Your partner was initially nice and loving but changed over time. You did not know they had anger management or other issues
Your partner was controlling but at the time you started the relationship it was not an issue. But now you have grown and matured and can’t stand to be controlled and insulted.
You are stuck because you have don’t have money, house to go to, or other resources to stand on your own.
You may have children and this complicates the issue
You have invested so much time and emotions in the relationship that it very difficult for your to tear your self away at this point
You know how you feel but you don’t know what to do or how to go about doing it
Your spouse may make you feel that you are the one to be blamed – the guilt trip.
She does not have a concrete and clear plan. She is emotionally reacting. She never really thought about how he would react or the things you might do. Now he has responded she is not sure what to do. If she had a clear plan then it would not be too much a problem
She does not have very clear boundaries and borders.
She does not have the skill to assert herself – although she is learning.

Jenn is making some mistakes that you can learn from

What should she do?

Luckily – although she doesn’t realize it – she has the handle of the knife in her hands. She has the power, because the tables have been turned. She could actually call the shots.

Problem!

Although she has the power she couldn’t really care. She has been trampled on for such a long time that all her feelings and emotions have been numbed.

It is important to understand that she must respond from her head and not from her heart. She has to do what is best for her, her son, and the family not from what she is feeling but what she knows is best for all the people concerned.

Here are several things she can do to create a great relationship again

Make a list of all the things she doesn’t like. Also make a list of things that she would like to see happen. She needs to be clear not only about what she does not want but also about exactly what she wants. Share them with her husband and ask if he is willing to avoid the bad things and do the good things.
Discuss and come to an agreement on what would happen if he relapses into his bad behaviour.
Make it a condition that he attends anger management sessions
Also get him to agree to attend marriage classes or counselling. This is crucial as they both need relationship skills in order to build a healthy and happy relationship.
I think she should take a tiny break to think things through. Go to her family for a weak or week end to clear her head and to show him that she will indeed move out if necessary. It is not good to just keep threatening and not take action.

If you do need some help in navigating this crucial and sensitive time in your relationship feel free to contact me today: info-at-hiltonsamuel.com.