5 simple steps that can save your marriage.

Are having marriage problems?

Well you are not alone. In my 10 years of dealing with couples and people in varying stages of relationship, I am yet to come across anyone who has no problem in their relationship or marriage.

But that does not make it any easier, does it? Knowing other couples have marriage problems does not make yours go away or make it any easier to handle.

Take Christine, a bright 32 year old teacher. Everything in her life is blooming and expanding. She has just been made head of her department. Her colleagues respect and admire her and the children at school think she is one of the best teachers in the school. Everybody loves and admire her. Everybody, that is, except her husband.

Her marriage relationship is going downhill very fast. She has tried everything she can think of, but nothing seems to work.

He is cold and distant to her. He constantly criticises everything she does and never seem to see any value in her. At home she feels like a “no-body”.

Empty, lonely and frustrated she finds herself liking the company of Andy the science teacher at school.

He is so respectful, admiring of what she has accomplished and always seems to have something nice to say about her dress, hair or shoes.

Christine’s relationship is definitely at a very vulnerable stage. Yours might be too.

Maybe you have come to the point where you feel you cannot take it anymore.

It’s make or break time. You feel that you will explode or go mad if you continue in this relationship. You might even be contemplating divorce.

Take Don for instance.

“I don’t know what else to do?” Don told me. He feels that he has no respect from his wife and she treats him like a “little boy”. He says this all because she owns the house, is more financially secure, has stable immigration status and has paid to bring him to the USA. He feels trapped.

Terry-anne, who was the dream of his life has become his worst nightmare.

You may also feel that you have made the worst mistake in the world to get involve with your spouse.

What can be done? Is there some way to remedy the situation and salvage the relationship?

Well maybe there is!

Just maybe you can get your glory days back, but you need to follow some simple (but not easy) steps.

Before I tell you these secret steps I have used to restore countless marriages, I need to tell you of some things that you should stop doing.

• Stop begging.

Pleading with the other person. This will only make him or her pity you. Nobody likes to be with someone else out of pity.

• Stop promising that you will change and be better.

Promising to be better is empty and vain. You need to demonstrate with actions that you will

• If you are bitter, critical, and full of contempt for the other person you need to let go of these poisonous qualities.

Now here are 5 powerful things you can do that would greatly improve your relationship and spice up your marriage

• Acknowledge how the person feels.

Go to your partner and say, look I have been thinking about some of the things you have been saying. When I really look into them I could understand why you feel that way. I would feel the same way too if I were in your shoes.

I personally feel that many people just want to be understood. They don’t necessarily want you to agree, only to understand where they are coming from and why they feel the way they do in the marriage. Trying to understand  and acknowledge the way your spouse will go a very long way in saving your marriage

• Give in (don’t give up).

Agree to whatever the person wants done and even do them. Yes you read that one right. Happily grant the person his/her wish. If they want to separate say “I would really want us to stay together because I value our relationship but if you prefer to leave, I honour and value your decision”.  This can be one of the hardest things to do especially if you are hurt and damaged. You feel that you are the person who is always making concessions in the marriage and holding out the marital white flag. However remember that this can help to soften and break through a marital impasse. The person may be resisting you, but when you give in you actually remove the resistance and it gives him/her nothing to resist. This gives him/her space to reflect and reconsider. This can work wonders

• Stop moaning and having a pity party.

Your partner fell in love with a happy, wonderful and outgoing person. You need to recapture the essence of the person you were when you first fell in love. Yes you will have down moments (or even days) but manage your feelings and always present a happy upbeat side when you in the company of the person.

Do you want to be with someone who is constantly wining and harping about some negative point. No. In fact you want to avoid this person. Yes you may have cause and reason to be upset and resentful. However don’t let it poison the air. Sometimes if you state your case and leave it, it would silently work in your spouse’s mind. Sooner or later you will see changes. Your relationship would improve with less nagging, arguing and complaining not more.

• Focus on exceptions.

In your state of anger and frustration it appears that your spouse is “always” doing something to upset you. Nothing “always” happen. There are times (however little) that your spouse does something positive. These maybe too little too late; however it is great to make the effort to identify them, acknowledge and appreciate them. Believe it or not, this would encourage the person to do this more often, which will make you feel better and save your marriage.

• Focus on strengths.

This is an extension of the point above. Try and catch your spouse doing something right or good. Compliment them and tell them you appreciate the act or accomplishment. The greatest problem in most marriages (and relationships) is that people tend to withhold positive feedback. Not purposely they, we subconscious feel the we are either entitled to it or thats the way it should be. However when things go wrong we are very vocal in our condemnation and criticism. I don’t have to tell you how discouraging this is. Many people in marriages where this happens tend to give up and feel they can never please the other person. Remember to make it a point to praise or compliment your spouse for something everyday even when the marriage is in trouble. This can be the turning point for your marriage.