photo credit: Camdiluv

Can little white lies affect cause problems in your relationship?

They may not cause relationship problems but they are signs that your relationship needs attention.

In fact they are indicators that your relationship is in serious trouble.

I recently came across an article about  “5 worst relationship white lies” on Yahoo’s site.

The article mentions the following lies and goes into details on explaining what each is and how to interpret it. What was disappointing is that the article did not much details on how to go about dealing with these problems.

Don’t you just hate it when people go into annoying details of a problem but leave you with no solutions?

Lets first look at the white lies and then I will give you possible solutions on how to deal with each problem.

“I just need some space”

According to the article this can be interpreted as “I’m too much of a coward to break up with you properly.” The other person is looking for some exit strategy.

Actually I don’t agree with this interpretation. I think that anyone who says this is in the process of re-evaluating the relationship. Maybe they are overwhelmed, or something is happening that confuses them. They may even be wondering if the relationship is really worth it, whatever it is, sometimes they physically need to be away from you to mentally process the situation.

Being away from you gives them time and space to objectively re-assess the situation.

Yes in some instances, people use this as a copout but in the majority of cases I feel people need psychological space to think things through.

What should you do?

Give them the space they require, however it may be important to clarify the terms of the space.

How long? When would they feed back to you their conclusion? How would they contact you at the end of the time or should you contact them?

“Nothing’s wrong”

Translates as: “You should know what’s wrong without me having to tell you.”

I totally agree with this interpretation, although sometimes it may mean that I am not ready to talk to you about it and you should just leave me alone.

What should you do? 

Calmly and gently tell the person that you sense something is very wrong. You are sorry that you are not able to instinctively tell what is wrong, but you would really love to be able to support and help.

If they insist on blocking you out, let them know that you are not sure what to do, but you are there for them anytime you they want to let you in on what is happening.

Then give them time and space. Hopefully they would come around with time.

It’s not my fault.”

Translates as: “It’s your fault.”

Yes some spouses tend to lay the blame totally on the others person’s lap.  This can the very difficult to deal with.

What should you do?

The best way to handle this is not to bite into the bait and tries to defend yourself or casts blame back on the other person. This will only start a full fledge argument.

Instead I recommend that you accept and ask what you both can do to prevent it from happening again.

When you accept, there is nothing for them to argue about; you have taken the sting out of the bite. Asking for help with preventing it again is really going for solutions not arguments.

“I’m going to be late.”

Translates as: “I’ve more important things to do.”

The author of the article says that it indicates you are slipping down the priority list of your spouse.

While before they would drop anything to be with you, now anything can replace you or what you planned together.

The author does say you should explain how this makes you feel and ask your spouse to commit to spending time together with you.

If they do not want to do so, it indicates that they have lost interest in you and are slowly distancing themselves.

What should you do?

Don’t insist and force yourself, because they may drive them further away. Instead respect their decision and give them space, while at the same time leaving the door open for them to come back.

“I don’t like you hanging out with them.”

Translates as: “I’m jealous.”

Here the author says that you spouse may think you are spending too much time with your mates of friends, and try to control/dominate your time.

I don’t fully agree with this translation. Yes, if you are in a committed relationship and your spouse is spending more time with friends than with you then there should be cause for concern (especially if they are members of the opposite sex).

While some spouses are jealous controllers, it is also important that the people prioritise you with their time and space.

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