Why do men (or women) have affairs?

In this blog I want to look at the anatomy of an affair. Lets start by viewing this video by some infidelity investigators from the US program “Cheaters”.

WARNING! This has strong language and violence.

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One of the industry top relationship counsellor Willard Harley, says the most affairs don’t start with sex. It mostly starts with people innocently talking with each other and sharing intimate information. This insidiously builds a bond which later evolves into an affair. In fact many people don’t fully understand why it happens.

Well in this clip we have a sister who is living with the family. She is being chauffeured to and from work by the husband. This gives them lots of time to talk and share themselves. Obviously our friend was a bit more aggressive with his advances and the sister didn’t refuse.

The sister seems to begin to meet his needs for companionship, admiration and eventually sex.

He was of course complementing her and giving her gifts. These made her feel validated as she was going through a low period in her life.

The first lesson we should learn from this is that any member of the opposite sex – including members of your family and friends – can be potential threats to your relationship. And you need to take the necessary steps to make sure you are meeting your partners most important emotional needs.

Cheating signs

The guy’s behaviour and attitude changed.

Avoidance:

He started avoid intimacy with her as his needs were by someone else.

Excessive defensiveness:

He avoided her direct questions and made it out that

Over reaction:

He made a major issue over minor things. Making her either blame herself or avoid dealing with a sensitive matter because she is afraid of the over reaction.

Confrontation

Lets look at the confrontation – real ugly. WARNING! This has strong language and violence.

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The aftermath: WARNING: Strong language and violence

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Usually during this section the victim wants to know everything. They are trying to piece the whole thing together.

Its like a sudden death in a family. They just can’t believe it is happening or has happened.

Notice in this case the infidel was very apologetic and wants to make amends. This is a good sign. He accepts responsibility and wants to talk about it. This will help the healing process.

The other good thing about all this is that the sister is ousted from the house.

Harley is that the infidelity is like addiction. To give up an addiction you must never come in contact with the drug. If he does relapse is very likely.

Similarly the cheater must never be in contact with the lover.

After the police scene I love the one of the last things she said: “bad things lead to bad things.”

What is interesting is that she still loved him, despite the horrible experience he has put her through. She is angry, but willing to forgive. She is frustrated but wants to keep the family together.

He too, is willing to do everything to make amends and put the whole affair behind him.

The best thing in all of this is that the ugly situation is all in the open. She will be much more guarded next time a woman comes near him. And he will be very careful not to let the situation repeat itself. He would he very stupid if he does.

 

 

Filed under: Cheating

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