Did you ever feel that no matter what you do you are bound to get it wrong with your spouse?
If they tell you to do something and you do it – they complain that you should know that they didn’t mean it.
If you did something that they say not to do – they become furious and blow up.
How do you can you win – is there a guide to understand the language of women.
Here is an example of how communication in marriage can go terribly wrong.
Elvin got himself in hot problems in this episode of the Cosby Show – “Elvin Pays For Dinner,” when he failed to decode the real meaning of what his wife was saying.
People say what they don’t mean and mean what they don’t say.
Here we see the classic way men and women communicate. Women expect you to be a mind reader, men just want you to tell them what to do.
Elvin ex-girl friend from college days came into town and calls up Elwin. Elwin not wanting to get into trouble consults his wife about it. He strongly suggests that he will not go out with the girls. In fact he offers to stay and help her with doing her law school application.
On three distinct occasions she insisted that he should go and enjoy himself. This can be very typical of how women communicate. She secretly wishes that he would over-ride her insistence and stay. This to her would prove the huge amount of love he has for her, while signally he has totally gotten over his ex-girlfriend.
Her mum: “Did it bother you at all that he went to dinner with 2 women.”
Sondra: “Maybe a little.” (That was really an understatement)
Mum: “You insisted that he go”
Sondra: “Yes Mum, but I thought he would insist harder that he stay.”
Mum: “You told him to go, you were not honest with him; you were not honest with yourself.”
The wise mum then showed her how she contributed to the entire love tiff she and Elvin had.
Mum: “So when he came home late, you went from being bothered to angry. And when he brought those 2 women in the house and you looked them you went from being angry to being furious.”
Great Advice to married women, this will be the only way for men to understand women.
Mum: “I would suggest when you go around declaring war on your husband you need to take stock in yourself and see what part you had in starting that war.”
Sandra was trying to suppress her vulnerable and jealous streak. She did not want to admit (mainly to herself) that she could be feeling jealous. So she tried to be altruistic by not making it seem she was selfish and possessive – she insisted that Elvin go. Secretly hoping she he would do the right thing and stay.
Sandra could have prevented and entire all out cold war by simply analysing her feelings and telling Elvin how she feels.
“Elvin, I feel a little uncomfortable about all of this, but I still would like you to meet up with your old friends,”
They could then discuss what would be the best action to take. It would have to be a win-win situation.
Like Sondra you will not always get it right in the first place. But when you are faced with the ugly results, instead of laying all the blame on your husband try and see how you contributed to the problem. Then do something to make up.
This will help him to understand women better.
Elvin on the other hand was not an idiot and Cliff proclaimed. He was just naive. He did not have enough experience to understand the coded communication of women. Cliff has learnt from years of experience. He walked right into it like lamb being let to the slaughter. This was a very good learning experience for him.
Elvin should really educate himself about how love and relationship works.
The good thing was that he was trying to make up every inch of the way. He was at his wits end as to what he should do. Fortunately they were about to turn to people who were interested in seeing them make a success of their marriage.
If you have a problem and you find yourself at an impasse with your spouse always seek help from someone who is a friend of the marriage. They would be objective enough to show you were you have erred and what you can do about it. Some friends and family would blindly side with you and urge you to do something stupid like divorcing him or her. They are trying to protect you from hurt and pain.
To have a great marriage
- Communicate your feelings even when they make you vulnerable
- Negotiate a win-win solution. Never do anything that your spouse will not enthusiastically agree with.
- If you inadvertently hurt your spouse try to make up in some way shape or form
- When there is an impasse in the relationship get outside help from someone who is a friend of the marriage.
- Learn from the mistake and avoid making the same mistake again
Here is a good article on understanding the differences between men and women