Divorce Advice: Things that cause divorce and what you can do about
In this interesting sitcom we see how things can escalate into divorce even if you are married for a long time.
This couple has come to stay with their daughter Florence who is a live-in maid for middle class family the Jeffersons.
Their unwelcome intrusion is very comical, however this sitcom actually demonstrate several love busters we have been talking about in recent posts.
Causes of divorce
Criticism, sarcasm and contempt
Dall: If I hadn’t come along when I did, she wouldn’t be married to this day
Dora: when I was younger I was beautiful
Dall: careful now Dora cause I was there
This a direct attempt on her looks. It is one of the worst kind of abuse that can be afflicted on a woman.
Women like to know that their man appreciate their physical beauty. The attack this is to undermine her self worth and self esteem.
Dr. John Gottman claims that when these things become an entrenched part of a relationship, they signal the end.
The antidote to this is to affirm how beautiful she is or how appealing some part of her body it (eyes, teeth, hair, bottom, toes etc.) This boost her confidence that you appreciate her some part of her body and physique.
The argument spirals out of control
Dora: Your father is impossible to live with, his habits are driving me nuts
She details hit teeth brushing at exactly the same time everyday, the noise he makes when he drinks
He flags up that she reads the end of books before the beginning, snores and again criticises her cooking
Dall: After eating your cooking for all those years hamburger is all that will stay down.
Defensiveness and rubber-balling
You will notice that they don’t really listen to each other. They simple sling accusations and criticisms back and forth.
If he really listened he would realize that she wanted some appreciation and acknoldgement for all she has done is doing.
Dora: For years I slave over a hot stove, made him everything in the book, now all he eats is hamburger: breakfast, lunch and dinner.
He wants some respect.
He earlier said they were married for 45 “God-awful” years and she corrected him, “46 years.”
Dall: That’s the reason why she is being correcting me all those 45 years.
Respect is something that all men crave. If they are not respected and admired they could love can easily turn to resented and eventually hatred.
Effects of divorce on adult children.
Florence goes into the Jefferson’s bedroom to ask for help and emotional support. That is quite funny to see a grown adult acting like that. We expect adults to be able to take it on the chin and work through it without falling to pieces. However this is all a myth.
Research has shown that divorce negatively affect adult children too. Here is an interesting article in the London times that demonstrate how emotionally painful it is for adult children too.
- The parents regress and learn on their adult children for support. Here in this case both parents actually came to their adult daughter for help and support. This puts her in a ver difficult spot to choose who she would side with.
- Adult children are shocked and go through emotional and psychological distress too.
The secret of a successful marriage
This clip delivers that greatest secret of a successful relationship in a humorous manner
Think of a way to live with the faults and idiosyncrasies of your spouse
George wades in on the fight. He contends that his marriage to Louise lasted because he puts up with her faults.
George: Me and Louise have been married for 25 years and you know why it works? Because I put up with all her faults – and she would do the same for me (If I have any!)
Its laughable the way he puts it, however Relationship expert John Gottman claims that all couples have problems. There are some problems will never go away – unsolvable problems. Successful couples find a way to somehow live with their partner’s faults without going crazy, while other couples feel that they have “irresponsible differences” and divorce.
He ends by saying that he knows how much his wife means to him and he is not willing to throw it away. He challenges the couple:
George: At your age you are lucky to have each other. I know how much Louise means to me and you should know how much you mean to each other. If you want to throw all that away youcan do it some place else!
That did the trick. Thinking about the value of each other helped the warring couple to reconcile.