Controlled Separation : Should you stay or let it go?

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  • Have you been considering giving up on your relaionship?
  • You feel the you are doing all the work? You spouse doesn’t seem to care at all.
  • Are you wondering if it is worth it at all?

Some people abandoned their relationship thinking that anything is better than what they have tolerate at the moment. Years of tyring to make it work has ground out any love you had.

Is there anything else you can try?

There just might be?

Controlled separation.

If you have ever considered divorcing but are terified of of the ramifications that you would want to explore this interesting concept that will help yout to get clarity on your next move

What is controlled sparation and how does it work?

Conseparation was originally diveloped by Lee Raffel. The the troubled couple decide to separate – not divorce, not  a trial separation. The separation is no ordinary separation either. they need to draft up a contract that involves how they will deal with number of issues.

There is a structured plan guided by a therapist

Well defined guidelines:

  1. Detailts of who is to move out
  2. What furniture they would take or need
  3. Finances
  4. Children and child care
  5. Housework
  6. How to relate to each other
  7. Whether dating others is permitted etc
  8. Oral or written contract
  9. A predetermined frame of time
  10. Open communication
  11. Safety net (no divorce will be pursued during this time)
  12. Activitly doing your best

What are the goals in this process:

  1. To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so each person can enhance their personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.
  2. To better identify needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.
  3. To help each person explore their basic relationship needs, and to help them determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.
  4. To experience the social, sexual, economic, and parental stresses which can occur when I have separated from my partner.
  5. To allow the couple to determine if they can work through the process better apart than they can in the relationship.
  6. To experience enough emotional distance so they  can separate out issues, which have become convoluted and mixed up together with the other partner’s issues in the relationship.
  7. To provide an environment to help the relationship heal, transform, evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.

Dave Percival

For discussion on the effectiveness of controlled separation click here 




Filed under: Divorce advice

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