Simple habits that destroy love, romance and sex from your marriage.
In this article we will discuss more things that drain romantic love, romance and sex out of our relationships.
In Part 1 Dr Harley spoke about abuse and control.
We spoke of:
Selfish demands. Expecting your spouse to do what you want done without considering their feelings or even asking them politely.
When selfish demands are not met any people many people start to judge their spouse’s character.
Norma elbowed Joshua, 2 am and told him to get up and put the children to wee. He groggily grunted rolled over and went fast asleep again. Furious Norma got up and started to quarrel that Joshua was a lazy good for nothing who never helped with the children.
She engaged in several love busters – a demand, disrespectful judgement and angry out burst.
- She told Joshua to get up and deal with the children. She did not ask politely or considered that he went to bed late and had to get up very early to get to work in time.
- She had an angry out burst and then attacked his character by calling him lazy, good for nothing and never helping with the children. None of which were true because he worked very hard for the children and usually bathed and put them to bed.
- She lost her temper.
This upset Joshua and made him feel very resentful of her.
I totally agree with Harley that none of these actually get the result that she was hoping for. In fact she made it worst. He is less likely to do it the next time she asks him to do something of the kind.
Another area where some people make demands is in the area of getting sex. Some partners demand and force their partners to have sex in a certain way, or a certain number of times however the partner even when obliging him or her feels very resentful.
So the partner is less likely to do it the next time until eventually they get to a point of refusing to have sex at all.
“If you are abusive and controlling, don’t count on ever having whatever that is again”
So what is the solution to all this?
- Do not ever demand that your spouse does anything
- Do not have angry outburst with your spouse
- Do not become judgemental with you partner
Instead you should negotiate with your spouse
Harley has some brilliant suggestions.
- First of all think about how your spouse will be affected by what ever you want them to do
- Put your desire in the form of a request
- Care enough about your spouse that you would be politely enough in asking her/his feelings about what you want done. E.g. “Honey how do you feel about……..” or “Would you mind doing this for me?”
This brings us to a ticklish point – complaining?
Should a spouse complain?
Dr. Harley says, yes.
He gives a great analogy of the way banks work. They if you go over your over draft, they penalize you and send you constant reminders. If they were penalizing you and not sending you reminders then you can easily chalk up a huge bill.
Similarly when a spouse complains, he or she is indicating that something is bothering them and it is literally draining them of the love and respect they have for you.
“If your spouse does something to offend you, let them know right away, then the ball is in their court,” Harley says.
This gives them the opportunity to correct it before it gets blown out of proportion.
However, Harley is careful to add that you should not criticise.
What is the difference?
“Instead of telling them that what they did bothered you, you tell them that what they did was wrong. Don’t tell them that they are stupid or that they should have known better or that is a reflection on their character,” Harley explains.
Criticism is attacking the character and personality of a person because of something they did they you do not like.
Another thing that wacks love and romance out of a relationship is what Dr. Harley calls independent behaviour.
Independent behaviour is behaving as if the other persons does not exist – Living your life as if you were single. Not involving the other person in your decisions and actions and not considering how your actions will affect them.
Do you want to know how to overcome this terrible love and romance killer?
Then follow the Policy Of Joint Agreement
“Never do anything without am enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Make all of your agreements jointly and with enthusiastic agreement.”
This not only eliminates independent behaviour but it gives a win-win solution to any problem you have.
Check Part 1 here | Check out Part 3 here