Has your wife served divorce papers on you?
After speaking to a group of young people in London recently a young lady confided that she is not happy in her relationship.
“Everything must go his way,” she said. It seems that her husband has very different ideas on the role of a woman especially in marriage. She is a more liberal woman who wants to achieve qualification and go out in the world of work.
While she loves him dearly she feels stifled.
“I could see myself growing old not being happy in this marriage,” she said as she looked into the future.
“I have stopped talking now because he just doesn’t get it,” she added. Interestingly he is very happy that she has stopped, complaining and nagging him. He thinks the relationship is so much better now.
Unbeknownst to him she is actually contemplating leaving the relationship.
I love the way Divorce Busting guru Michelle Weiner Davis explains this concept. Listen to this short video clip to learn the dynamics of what is actually happening and what you could be done about it.
Michelle starts by saying the most divorce now (two thirds) is being initiated by women. Amazingly many of the husbands were in ignorant bliss and never saw it coming.
Michelle explains that women are relational creatures who are also nurturers. They are traditionally the one who will seek to maintain the relationship. If their emotional needs are not being met they tend to pursue their partner for more emotional connection. She may complain that they are not spending enough time together or talking as much as they should do.
Men tend to interpret this ( complaining and nagging) as annoyance and pull away. This aggravates the situation as women tend to try harder by talking and complaining more. They think they need to say enough times or loud enough for him to get it. Not only that, now everything bothers her, and now her complaints are numerous. But it only has the opposite effect of driving him further away.
Eventually women tend to get fed up, thinking that she has tried everything and nothing is working so she might as well give up.
So what does she do?
She shuts down and silently plans an exit strategy. This maybe a time when the children are grown, she gets a qualification or a job to support herself, or even if she gets a man who will treat her much better.
To the man the silence is perceived as a sign that the problem is solved and they are on good grounds now.
This is a ticking romantic time bomb.
Eventually she comes out and tells him that she wants a divorce. Most men never see this coming and would say something like, “I have no idea you were feeling this way, why didn’t you tell me?”
This frustrates a woman who has been thinking that she has done everything to help him understand.
When a woman thinks she has done everything to get through to her husband what she really mean is that she has said everything to get through to him. Very often women rely on words rather than actions to get through to their men.” Michelle Weiner Davis
Michelle concludes that when she finally announces that she is going to divorce and has been to see a divorce lawyer this action speaks loudly and clearly to a man.
What do actions mean to men?
It galvanizes them to do something. Many of these men who are faced with divorce suddenly realize how much their wives/family mean to them, they begin to go to councillors for help, they read books, attend seminars and try anything to reverse the situation. Some men even begin to talk about their hurt and feelings.
Unfortunately women, who see these changes, think that its too little too late, only. They don’t care any more.
Warning and great love advice to women
When these men finally understand the importance of marriage and family, they are making profound real changes – they are transforming themselves into the husbands you wanted them to be. If you do get a divorce they are going to make someone really great second husbands. Do not leave now you have finally gotten through to your husband because you have finally taken an action.
Relationship advice for men
Prevention is better than cure.
1. Spend time with your wife and listen to their yearnings
2. Act on what they are asking for. Do something that makes them happy
3. Its never too late. “IT IS NEVER OVER UNTIL ITS OVER. 10% of people who divorce end up marrying each other again” Michelle Weiner
4. Do not give up hope. There is a way to turn things around. You can stop your divorce.