Creating Romantic Love
- Can romance be created?
- Can love be engineered?
- Or is it only natural and spontaneous?
Well Dr. Harley, based on his research and experience, is convinced that romantic love can be literally created (or re-created) even when there are no feelings of romance in the marriage.
How to go about creating romance in your marriage
- Define your marital and romantic needs
- Make a list of things that would make you feel romantic, sexy, loved and ecstatic. Make a list under the following headings
- It will make me feel sexy when you…
- It will make me feel appreciated when you…
- It will make me feel esteemed when you…
- It will make me cared for when you…
- It will make me feel validated when you…
If these categories are problematic for you simply make a list of everything that excites and makes you happy.
These can include, but not limited to:
- Hugging and kissing before leaving for work
- Calling to check in during the day time
- Sending naughty texts
- Initiating sex
- Taking me out for a romantic dinner
- Cuddling and caressing me
- Bringing me a surprise gift
- Dressing provocatively
- Making breakfast in bed*
- Spending time just sitting and chatting
List as many things as you can think about
After making this list, give it to your partner.
But won’t that be too contrived?
Why would you have to tell him/her what to do – they should know and if they don’t, its not worth the effort, you say.
The truth is your spouse cannot read your mind. He or she may try to please you, but unless you clearly point out what pleases and excites you they would be scratching where it does not itch.
Although, it may feel stilted and contrived in the beginning, he or she will eventually get into the habit of it and even begin to be creative about it.
When I first got married my wife was very upset when if I do not call her during the day time at work. I couldn’t understand it however I found out that it is easier to call her than to face an upset wife when I got home.
When I did call, I came home to an angel. It is such a part of me now that I feel strange if I do not do it.
This seems to be the experience of the man that Dr. Harley spoke about.
If you are the person who has to learn new ways to make your spouse feel happy and excited, then remember:
- You need to do it whether you feel like it or not. It is discipline that is not dependant on feelings.
- It takes time for habits to develop. It may initially feel like work but it will eventually become a habit. Much like driving. When you first learn to drive it took a lot of conscious attention and concentration. But after a while you do without thinking.
What do you do if you want to save your marriage and your spouse doesn’t want to?
Can you save your marriage all by yourself?
Dr. Harley has some brilliant suggestions.
- Get an arbitrator. If you can find someone that your spouse respects and would listen to, to encourage him or her to give it a try.
- Be kind an loving anyway. Lead that way by depositing love and emotional units into their love bank. That is, even if you are not getting any positive response, do things for him/her that you know will excite and make them happy. Sometimes loving acts have a way of melting the hardest of hearts.
- Get coaching. In this effort, you need to be made responsible to someone. Why? Because you can become easily discouraged and give up. Secondly, someone who is objective can help when you are stuck and want to know what to do.