Cheating: What to do if your spouse is cheating
Cheating: 8 ways to deal with a cheating spouse
Have you ever been cheated on by your spouse or partner?
If you have, you would know the pain, anguish, feelings of betrayal and most of all how stupid you may have felt for trusting such sneaky partner.
Cheating, to many people, is the ultimate relationship sin. It shatters their world and they feel completely devastated by the event.
- What is cheating?
- Why people cheat
- What to do if you have been a victim of cheating
What is cheating?
Let me ask you a quick question. Can a person cheat without having intercourse?
This is a question I asked a group of people at one of my seminars. Most of the men said no. The women however felt that cheating and infidelity can take place on an emotional level.
I like the way someone put it – you cheat when you give to someone else what belongs only to your partner or spouse. The person you have committed to have an exclusive relationship.
So you can have an emotional relationship with someone else. You spend lots of time talking to and letting them meet emotional needs that only your partner should be meeting.
Why is cheating and affairs are so horrible?
Kelly came to me with tear stained face. She had not slept for days.
One week ago she accidentally found out that her husband of 10 years has beeen having an affair with one of her friends. It all tumbled out when she for some reason or the other happened to see an internet chat history that he forgot to log off when he went outside.
Her world was shattered. She just couldn’t believe the betrayal and audacity he had to be doing this right under her nose. She felt stupid not to have detected it earlier.
One of the main reason cheating has such a devastating effect is because the victim suddenly realized that the person she so trusted is not who they thought he/she was.
They have been living, sleeping and sharing intimacy with someone who they do not fully know or understand – betrayer.
Their world is shattered and now they have to piece it back together.
Anger, hurt, frustration, resentment and even fear of losing what they had are predominant feeling you may feel.
It is a very horrid and horrible experience to go through. Your trust has been betrayed.
Willard Harley says that some of his clients who have been raped and cheated on say that the cheating was worse than the rape experience.
Why do people cheat?
When ask participants this question, the most popular answer i get is because one person’s need is not been satisfied in the relationship. This force them to go outside the relationship to get this need met.
Well this may be so for some people. There are many other reasons why people cheat. I have to tell you that even happily married people cheat.
- People cheat because they can. They think that they can get away with it and this gives them licence to cheat.
- High sex drive. Some people have a very high sex drive and seem to have to the need to have multiple partners
- Opportunity. Some people cheat simply because the opportunity presents itself. They are in a situation where sex is available and in the heat of the moment they take advantage of it
- Revenge. Others cheat for revenge, spite or to punish their spouse. Something is happening in their relationship and they feel so hurt or angry that they simply have a fling.
- Midlife crisis. You may have heard of midlife crisis for men. They want to still prove their virility so they go out and try to seduce younger women. This can also happen to women too.
- Proximity. One of the single greatest reasons why I think a lot of people cheat is because they spend a lot of time interacting with members of the opposite sex. For example we know that most infedility takes place at work. This is because work present a situation where you spend an enormous amount of your time interacting daily with a lovely male/female colleague. Over time you become bonded to them and feelings for them imperceptible build and grow. The next thing you know is that you have developed feelings.
What to do if you are a victim of infidelity or cheating
If you have been cheated on the hurt and pain can mentally destabilize you.
Understand that the process is exactly like a sudden death in your family. You will go through the same processes of denial, grief and eventual acceptance.
- Emotional mood swings. You will swing between extreme hate to wanting to hold onto the relationship for fear of losing something you have heavily invested in. There will be days you want to kill him/her and other days when you want to make up, make love and move on.
- Curiousity. You will have a insatiable desire to know what happen, why it happened, where it happen and how it happened. You want to find out all the dirty details of what transpired. This is to help you piece your broken world back together again.
- Give yourself time to heal
- Get support. Get 7 of your trusted friends to support you through this process. One for each day of the week. If you only have one person you run the risk of over burdening this person with your emotional woes.
- Seek proffessional help. If possible get professional help as the person can give you impartial professional help and guidance.
- Realize that the former relationship has ended. You need to build a brand new relationship with this person. To do this he/she has to earn your trust.
- Insist that your partner disconnect with lover. If the person wants the relationship he/she has to break all ties or connections with the lover. This is crucial as affairs are like addiction. He/she can easily relapse when they connect to the person.
- The cheater/infidel must show some remorse or sorrow for betraying and hurting you, for true reconciliation to start.