Things you should know about the person you are in love with

 

  • Have you ever felt that you person you married was not the same person you fell in love with?

  • Do you think that your spouse has changed after you signed the marriage How to get to know secrets of your lovercontract?

Worst still there are people who got married only to find out shocking secrets of their spouse they had never known.

One amazing story I came across was a man who after being married for 3 years found out that his wife had spent time in jail.

A woman horrifyingly found out that her husband was bisexual after having a child with him?

This does not have to be you.

Are You Sure You Really Know Your Partner? Listen to this short podcast
[podcast]https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/hsaudios/colourful/How-to-get-info-on-your-partner.mp3[/podcast]

Here are 10 things you should know about the person before you get married to them

    1. What his/her relationship status.
      • Are they single and available?
      • Are they divorce or separated? If they are be sure to see the evidence e.g. divorce papers
      1. What are his or her major goals in life? Do they match yours?
      2. Do they have children from ex partners? Remember they will become part of your life.
      3. What is his/her attitude towards children: having them and bringing them up? Nothing could be worse than ending up in a marriage with someone who doesn’t want children when you do.
      4. What is his/her financial status? Remember you become part liable for his/her debts when you get married.
      5. What is their sexual orientation of inclination? Yes you need to get this every clear in this day and age of sexual freedom.
      6. Do they have any criminal convictions? Many jobs application want to know this type of info, why not you.
      7. What type of family did they grow up in? What is their relationship to their parents and siblings? Remember this person will most probably replicate the type of family environment he or she grew up in.
      8. Relationship history. What type of partners did he or she tend to choose before?
      9. What type of friends he or she has? Birds of a feather flock together.

How do you find these things out?

Here are 10 ways you can find out more about the person you love

  1. Listen to your gut feeling or instinct. Many people ignore their intuition and later regret.
  2. If you are religious pray and listen to the spirit
  3. Listen to what your friends and family are saying. If the majority are telling you that this person is not right for you, you need to reconsider.
  4. Get to know their family. You can learn a lot by learning about his or her family history. If that person is from a different country or culture you need to visit and live in that place to see what type of influence shaped your lover.
  5. If it is possible it would be good to know something about his or her past relationship and why they broke down. You may find a pattern that would be helpful in know more about your prospective mate.
  6. Get know his friends. Also find out about what other people are saying about this person.
  7. Observe how this person treats other people.
  8. Listen very carefully to the things this persons says and also pay keep attention to his or her actions.
  9. How does he or she make you feel?
  10. If in doubt, hold out and check it out. If you have doubts stall for time. Time will reveal a lot of things.

Click here for more relationships tips

 

Filed under: Relationship tips

Stop Divorce: How to avoid the Jan Divorce epidemic

10 Ways To Avoid January Divorce Break-up Blues

Did you know that January has been dubbed the national Divorce month?

Well statistics indicate that the months of January and February have the most divorces. This is the time divorce lawyers rub the hands in glee.

Why do some many relationships die during the New Year Period?

Listen to this insightful radio discussion about why so many people divorce and break-up during the month of January.

[podcast]https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/hsaudios/colourful/Avoid-january-breakup.mp3[/podcast]

Here are some practical steps you can take to avoid the January divorce  or breakup and improve your relationship.

  • Be aware of the break up period.
  • Like PMS time this period of the year can play havoc on relationships. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.
  • Know that relationships go through cycles.
  • Not because you are going through a bad patch mean that it will be this way forever. There are good relationships days and there will also be bad, very bad ones. But the winter always give way to the spring and summer time. Give your relationship a chance to grow and mature – Even when it feels like the sunshine of love will never come out again. Trust me it will.
  • Plan what you want to see happen in your relationship for the next year. Decide what you will do to make this happen
  • Physically connect every day by kissing, hugging, touching, necking and petting. Stop divorce: stay together
  • Give your spouse a complement or some form of affirmation every day.  3 compliments a day keeps the love doctor away.
  • Get external help if you have to. This does not have to be counselling or coaching – although these can help – it simply can be through and objective person who can give you honest and good feedback.
  • Work on some sort of project together. It an be anything from building an emergency cash pot to redecorating the house
  • Stop complaining – request want you want. It is so easy for us to complain and criticise when we don’t get what we want or expect. But this only worsens the situation as our spouse may become defensive. Instead think of what your partner can do to actually make you feel better and kindly ask him or her to do it.

If you want know more about how to stop a divorce or separation then check out this article about stopping your divorce

Filed under: Divorce advice

DIY: Men Women and DIY

Why Do Some Men Shirk Their DIY Duties?

How to motivate your spouse to do small DIY projects around the house

Women:

  • Is your husband hopeless at DIY (Do It Yourself) jobs?
  • Are you frustrated with waiting on your spouse to do DIY jobs around the house?
  • You have asked him a million times to fix the light bulb, paint the room, decorate the hall or fix the door handle but he keeps promising to do it and never gets around to doing it.
  • What do you do? How can you get him to do it without threatening to walk out of the relationship if he doesn’t?
  • Are you having a bad relationship because of this?

Here are several relationship tips to get DIY projects done without frustrating yourself, your husband or threatening the relationship.

  1. Understand that not all men know how to do DIY. As strange as it may seem to you there are a lot of men who do not know how to paint, change a tire or even change a light bulb. Trying to do something you don’t have the skill for sometimes makes it worst.
  • One guy told me how he tried to fix a damaged board on his bedroom floor. He gave in to his wife’s 100th appeal to fix it. He drove a couple of nails to secure it in place. Feeling satisfied he went down stairs to proudly inform his wife of his accomplishment when he heard her scream that water was flooding the kitchen from upstairs. After frantically turning off the mains (I bet a lot of men don’t even know where the water mains is), he called his insurance company. The person they sent informed him that he had driven a nail in his pipe and he was not insured for that. It ended up costing a pretty penny to get the thing fixed. The plumber had to rip up most of the floor to rectify the punctured pipe.
  1. Many men do not like DIY projects. They can be tedious, hard and downright frustrating, especially if you don’t know how to do it. Sometimes it is far cheaper to get a professional than wasting time, effort and money doing it yourself.
  2. If you have a friend, family or colleague who can do it ask them kindly and they may well do you the favour for free.
  3. Ask your husband friend to help. Many men are motivated by having friend helping them.
  4. If you can do it yourself then have a go. Interestingly most men just can’t bear to see their wife doing DIY and they would pitch in. That is how my wife gets me to do things

Filed under: Relationship problemsRelationship tips

Christmas: Christmas, Stress and Relationships

Beating the Christmas blues and stress

Secrets to making Christmas less stressful and more enjoyable

Christmas can be the best of times. Christmas can be the worst of times for relationships.

Why?

[podcast]https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/hsaudios/colourful/christmas-dilemma.mp3[/podcast]

Christmas is meant to be the time of good will, sharing and joy for people who are near and dear to you.

Yet it can be a time of serious stress for relationships.

My wife told me of a friend who confessed she borrowed £700 to buy gifts for her children. Yep you got that right.

Christmas pressure and stress

During this festive time there is a lot of pressure to entertain, give gifts and travel to be with loved ones. Unfortunately with the down turn of the economy not many people are in the position to provide the gifts that are expected from them.christmas_stress_family

Like my wife’s friend many people get into debt to live up to the expectations their family and friends have of them.

The problem is that come January when the bills come in they will be forced to face the reality of not having the money to pay. This in turn puts another type of stress on them and by extension on the relationship.

Experts have observed that February and September are 2 months most couples tend to head to divorce lawyers.

Why?

This is because of the headache of dealing with the financial problems from the holidays and gifts of Christmas and the summer holidays.

What can be done to avoid this situation?

Experience is better that gifts

Take your family, partner or spouse out to the many activities that are conducted during the Christmas season. Fun activities actually create more memories then most of the gifts we can buy. In fact many of the gifts are forgotten with days and weeks of getting them. For more relationship tips do check this out.

Here are some examples of low cost activities

  • Concerts
  • Putting on the Christmas lights in the town or city
  • Go carolling
  • Shop, bake and cook together.  I fondly remember licking the mixing bowl after my mum poured out the cake mix in the baking pan
  • Visit friends and family
  • Volunteer to help the needy and unfortunate in the community e.g. Soup kitchen
  • You will be surprised at how much fun and togetherness you can have by doing any one of these.

Look for cheaper alternatives

Online shopping and auction sites (e.g. ebay) provide very good products at significatly lower prices than the high street stores.

Plan ahead for the next Christmas season

One idea that can significantly reduce Christmas expense is to plan ahead. During the year as you come across items on sale simple buy these and hide them away until Christmas time.

Secondly you can begin to save something every month so that you that you have a Christmas budget to draw from this time next year.

Filed under: Relationship tips

Marriage: Is Marriage Outdated?

Marriage: Is Marriage Only a Thing of the Past

British Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg seem to think that marriage belongs to the out dated era of the 1950s. He says the family instution of “suit wearing, bread winning dad and apron, home making mother” should not be preserved in aspic.

But is the family and marriage out dated and old fashioned?

Marriage is old. Marriage has been part of every society since the dawn of time. But does that make it bad and out dated?

No. A thousand times no.

Civitas
says modern marriage not shackled by notions of inequality**

[podcast]https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/hsaudios/colourful/motivations-to-get-married-bbc-citiva.mp3[/podcast]

Every research has shown that marriage is good for everyone. It is good for women, men, children and also the community.

Benefits of marriage

[podcast]https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/hsaudios/colourful/benefits-marriage-bbc-vfelts.mp3[/podcast]

In a follow up talkshow, Venassa Velts, BBC London** the next day the benefits of marriage was spelt out by several experts and radio listening.

The great value of marriage – Gavin Paul, Director Centre for Social Justice – speaks out
[podcast]https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/hsaudios/colourful/value-of-marriage-bbc-vfelts2.mp3[/podcast]

Interestingly research also shows that the vast majority of people still want to get married. If you are thinking of getting married go here for some great marriage tips.

**The clips were gotten from Vanessa Feltz BBC London Morning show. No copy right infringement intended. I think they would be of educational benefit to the wider public.

Filed under: Happy marriage life

Divorce: How to stop divorce after children leave

Divorce: Divorce after children leave home

Empty-nesting Divorce

Did you know that 1 in 6 divorces are by people who break up after years and years of marriage?

In fact many people are divorcing after their children leave home – empty-nesting divorce. That is well after 20- 30 years of being together. You would have thought that their marriages are so well knitted that divorce would not be an option

Judge Lynn Toler of DivorceCourt TV series says that people who divorce their time to raising children without taking care of each other’s need tend to grow into strangers.

Here are some reasons she gave for this empty nest divorce.

  1. We are living longer than our parents, hence after the children leave people have a lot of time to enjoy and if their marriages were not happy some opt to leave.
  2. At the end of rearing children people “look up and either don’t know the other person or they have been waiting until the kids are gone, because they were unhappy”.

The tearing apart of the family it reverberates for years. Lynn Toler

What are the solutions? Is there a way to stop divorce after the children grow up?

Judge Lynn Toyler gives some very insightful suggestions

  1. Before the children leave deal with issues that may be bothering you. Ask
      1. Are we hearing each other?
      2. Are we happy? Don’t pretend that you are when you are not
  2.    Find new interest together before the children leave. E.g. classes, volunteering, sports, hobbies
  3.  Get together other couples who are going through same phase

Here are some tips on how to save your marriage even after years of marriage

Divorce

 

Filed under: Divorce adviceDivorce court

Relationship problems: Why Relationships Fail

Why Do Relationships Fail

  • Is your relationship crumbling?
  • Have most or all of your relationships failed disastrously?
  • Have you noticed that a lot of relationships are breaking all around you?
  • Why are so many relationships and marriages breaking down and breaking up?

Someone posted on Facebook: “Relationships are like overweight people, they don’t work out

Here are some of the top reasons relationships are failing?

Listen to this short radio interview on why relationships fail.

[podcast]https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/hsaudios/colourful/Why-Relationships-fail.mp3[/podcast]

  1. Wrong expectations

While relationships do bring us happiness, the goal of a marriage or relationship is not actually happiness. Happiness is more of a by-product of great relating. If you are not generally a happy person then relationship will not make you permanently happy. You may get spikes of happiness however you will find that you will return to your miserable state after that moment has worn off. You will drain the other person because you want him or her to be constantly entertaining you. Such a relationship is doom to disaster. Believe me no one but you can made you happy.

Some people also go into relationship and expect the happy romantic feelings to be a permanent feature. But feelings and emotions come and go. They are cyclical. When the feelings of romance subside then people think they have fallen out of love. But love is more of a creation than it is a feeling.

  1. Changes

why relationship failHave you ever heard someone complain that their spouse is not the same person they go married to years ago. Of he or she isn’t. WE are all constantly changing. I got married to a wonderful 23 year old years ago. Today she is much older and quite a different personality to the young happy-go-lucky lass I fell in love with. But I love you still. Many people are stuck with a frozen image of who they are married to and it causes no end of problems.

  1. Lack of relationship skills.

Did you know that relationship and relating require skill, knowledge and commitment? Many people think that love should be easy and effortless. They think that if you have to work or struggle than it is not love. But I happy to announce that if you get the right knowledge and skills you can have a wonderful and listing marriage.

  1. Wrong attitudes

One guy told me that his wife was trying to change him and he would have non of it. When I asked him what exactly was his wife trying to change about him he said she wants him to eat with his mouth closed and stop making loud noised when he eats. He insists that is just the way he eats and he will never change for anyone in the world.  I asked him if he loves and wants his wife. “of course,” he responded. Than I told him he had better learn to eat in civilize manner of this may be just the thing that drives his wife away. We need to learn to make changes for our jobs, careers and even friends why not for our spouses. Most of the times the changes required of us will do us great good.

If you want to have a happy relationship here are some powerful  marriage tips.

Filed under: Relationship problems

What is Marriage All About?

What is marriage all about: What is makes up a successful marriage?

Many people have all kinds of ideas of marriage? The idea you have of marriage will determine the success or failure of your marriage.

[ebvideo src=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CugkwXgSxn0″ sharing=”1″]

Many people have concepts of marriage that will either doom them to miserable marriages help them achieve a successful marriage.

Here are a few myths that will make your marriage fail:

Marriage will make you happy.

Do not depend on someone else to make you happy. Big, big, big mistake. Studies have found that if you are generally happy then your marriage will enhance your happiness. However if you are usually a miserable person then eventually (after the initial spurt of joy) your marriage will suck.

If you have problems then there is not love.

Again every marriage has challenges. Believe it or not successful marriages have just as much problems as failed marriages. It is not the problem but how you handle the problems that matter.

My spouse should know what I need without me having to say.

No one is a mind reader – except those few people who are telepathic. If you do not say what you have in mind then your spouse will have to guess or make it up and most times they will get it wrong and upset you even more.

Lets talk about what marriages are really all aboutWhat is marriage all about

Marriage is really about caring and sharing your life, feelings and emotions with someone you love.

Let me let you in on a big secret of relationships and marriage. Listen very carefully.

In spite of what everyone will tell you it all boils down to a simple thing – how you treat the person in your life.

If you make him or her feel loved, esteemed, happy, elevated, sexy, encouraged, inspired, validated and appreciated (most of the times) then that person will always want to be with you.

If however you may them feel discouraged, depressed, disgusted, embarrassed and unappreciated most of the times they will want to get away (read divorce) from you.

Marriage then is all about how your spouse feels about you and how you make them feel when they are with you.

If you are having relationship problems and need help feel free to contact me for help.

 

Filed under: Marriage Advice

Saving Family: How To Save Your Family

Save Your Family: How do you go about saving your family from immorality, drugs, gangs and crime?

Well Rebrecca Hagelin has the answers in her book “30 ways to Save your family in 30 days

She identifies 3 major challenges parents face with their children

  1. Hectic schedules and not enough time
  2. Not knowing how to communicate especially with their teenagers
  3. Pressures from the culture and media

Believe it or not children today are said to spend over 8 hours a day using electronic and media devices and some only minutes with their parents.Amazingly children still say that their parents are amongst the greatest influences in their lives.

“Be your child’s parent not their friend. Write a vision for your child’s life.” Rebecca Hagelin

“It is not whether or not you are going to be an influence on your children – YOU ARE (emphasis mine). The question is what kind of influence are you?” is the question Rebecca poses.

One solution she gives about trendy dress for teenagers to is remind them that you both – they and you – must like the dress they are going to buy. I think that is a great idea. It is not just about you, and its not just about them, it should be a win-win situation.

Below is an extensive video of one of her book launch talk. Talk some time and look at it and do get the book “30 ways in 30 days to save your family”.

Filed under: Marriage Advice

Relationship problems: 4 Marriage Problems To Avoid

Relationship problems: 4 Common relationship problems to avoid – and what to do about them.

Extreme story-telling.

This is telling people about your spouse to make yourself look good and make him or her seem like some sort of a monster. Believe me your friends or family may think that you are a suffering victim that needs to be rescued from this demon. However this may actually degenerate when he or she hears about it – guess what – they will.
Ok you may want to vent some of the relationship problems you have. It is cathartic to do so, but it is much better to speak to your spouse about your feelings. The two of you can navigate this together rather than hanging your dirty linen in public

Poor me syndrome.

    1. This is the reverse to telling everyone who would listen about all of your spouses bad traits. Instead many people simply clam up in silence.  They appear to be ok but they are seething inside. They begin to resent their spouse and sooner or later when they cannot take it any more they simply explode. This of course shocks the romantic daylights out of their unsuspecting spouse, now you have real marriage problems.
      What can you do about it – again talk it over. For ideas on how to talk so that your spouse with listen click here. 

 Fighting over partners idiosyncrasies.

  Is there something about your partner that is driving you nuts. Well I have to tell you that his or her quirks may not ever go away. It may be just part of who your wife or husband is. Maybe it will be much better to accept who he or she is without having to change them. Remember it may have been those same things that attracted you to him or her in the first place. Acceptance and tolerance may be the best creating a happy relationship. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

Distance.

In a busy hectic world we can get so caught up with activities that you lose deep connection with your spouse. This is especially true when you have children. You may initially notice a small lack of connectivity but it will eventually expand into a major relationship rift between both of you.  If not addressed this can grow into a big marriage problem, especially if you or your spouse become attracted to someone else who seem more appealing.

Try to do things that will make you feel connected. Go on date nights, spend evenings together just both of you alone. Spend time to talk and debrief about what is happening in your life. Do little things to surprise each other.

Filed under: Relationship problems

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